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PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 2:41 pm 
If you can be bothered reading such a large message, I would really appreciate some honest advice from mothers that have felt this way initially.

I am sooo glad to have found this website. By reading his question by SNM and the following answers? I now feel as though I'm not alone and one confused freak!!! .

Although we all have different situations and problems or concerns, and I know the point is to be giving feedback to SNM's concerns, but I am hoping that someone here that understands can give me as good advice as was relayed to SNM by all the other readers.


My partner moved in with me at a young age. I was 22 living alone since 17, He was 17. I have never felt such intense love, (I never believed in love at first site till that moment - maybe it was just lust at first site and the love came later, but what ever it was it was intense and I?ve never felt it before or since) And I knew straight away at that moment that I'd never feel this again.

So, after 5 years of living together relatively comfortably (just making ends meet most weeks) I was full time uni student for 5 year and had music teaching job at nights 5 days till 8.30pm and he had casual film work ? sometimes weeks away, sometimes doing nothing for weeks ? excepted smoking illegal substances), My partner started a slowly increasing drug habit which gradually got worse over the next few years. The climax of the relationship was an argument where I told him it was time to choose between the drugs he drowns his issues with or me!
He couldn't give me an answer. Needles were the current progression and that was the end of the struggle for me. I couldn't jeopardise myself from losing my teachers license - never being able to teach again and getting arrested myself. If he won?t even try to support my career ? I?ll find someone that does are what my thoughts were at the time. He was getting into the hardest stuff, and I felt I needed, and deserved a better life - the life we had started years ago that had VERY gradually deteriorated. Both too Young, both too experimental, and both too carefree ? but that runs out ? and people realise they need to get it together at different times unfortunately. I guess I was older by 7 years, so I grew up and ?woke? up first.

We had both been disturbed and passed down many issues to hang onto during our time spent with our parents. Parents MOSTLY (90%?) mean very very well. They do their very best but sometimes don?t have enough confidence, happiness, morals, patience, common sense and energy in raising their children in a satisfactory way in order to from a well rounded child.

We can understand each others pain from our child hood very well ? eg: mum might call Jane ?chubby? a couple of times. In our society, this will be stuck in her brain and pop up at least everyday when she hops in the shower or goes to the beach. Even though she?s a size 8, her thighs maybe 1cm wider than her sisters ? this is public knowledge in the family and mention briefly at the dinner table. Or, a classic example is on parent with two siblings, very close in age, or even twins ? the mother comments to a friend passing in the grocery store while they stop and chat ?Sally has very long thin legs and it?s hard to find pants that fit as her waist is so thin, size 8 fits her beautifully, we just have the length taken down. But Jenny is OK because she?s a bit shorter and a little ?rounder? A size 8 might still fit, but I doubt it because it fits Sally beautiful ? you might need to try a 10. Just a couple of these comments can cause anorexia these days.

But neither of us had been to any counselling at this stage to understand ourselves. However, he was not ready to stop acting out and being ANGRY for his "HARD DONE BY LIFE" He had to deal with it the only way he knew how ? drugs ? the same way the rest of his WHOLE family deals with problems.

So, the hardest thing I have EVER had to do was leave after 5 years of trying to support, help and provide him with what I though he needed ? love, affection, support and attention (that didn?t work as he hadn?t ever witnessed love and attention was so he felt smothered and turned more to the drugs) When I left, I told him that if he got clean and stayed that way for 3 full years, I'd take him back. He didn?t believe me. His very first reaction when I left was he went straight to the tattoo shop and had my name tattooed on his back. Then he went on a 2 ? year mission of self destruction - especially after I got myself a new boyfriend. - I think that gave him yet another excuse to destroy himself.

I told him we would stay in touch, but he felt like he had failed everything and didn?t call very often. 1 ? years later he dropped over unexpectedly to find my new boyfriend moving in (one of our mutual friends from years before) My Ex LOST it and tried to commit suicide ? his reason ? ?I am too messed up to ever be able to get her back and without her I?m nothing?. By the time I heard this, he was back in jail for drug use, possession, trafficking, assault police, break enter and steal, car theft and grievous bodily harm. A few years earlier, he couldn?t smack the dog or not pay for parking!

So, I went and visited him. He was at least half the weight he was when we were together ? lost about 25 kgs and looked like death ?. I visited him in Silverwater and a rehab around this time and said something I still don?t believe I said. I told him that 6 months after he gets out on parole to the rehab/halfway house, I am due to get married. If he can stay clean for the first 3 months ? and I wanted proof he was clean? then the engagement would be called off with the other guy and that I?d like to start hanging out with him when he gets parole ? a few months as friends to get to know each other ? movies, dinner - then what ever will be will be. I wasn?t upset about the break-up too much with my ex-fianc? because he had physically abused me quite badly and I had an AVO? first time ASSULT in 4 years, but the last!!!!!! This was about the same time my MY FIRST EX had come out of jail first time and straight over to visit. It was jeolosy I suppose, as my new fiance could see our old special connection was still there ? a few wild turkey and cokes and it got very messy. So, I guess my finace made it an easy decision. He had to go. ? 3 months before the wedding ??

After his few years? destruction - drugs, crime, car theft and general unsocial antics, he spent the next two years in jails, rehabs and half-way houses. I and his father were the only ones that visited him - not even his current girlfriend or "friends" came. I believe that country half way houses are far better than jails and better than rehabs for crime due to drug addiction (but this is another story) and rehab, he has now been clean for almost 4 years. (On Boxing Day 2005)- And I am so very proud. He is the strongest person I know. He can't even drink alcohol, yet I have a glass or two every night and he even makes all the Cocktails for us girls.

We got back together on his 3rd year anniversary of being clean (well, 1 month before it- I really couldn't wait!)

He was himself again - and it is heaven.

QUESTION: Is what we have both been through going to help or hinder rearing children?

But, back to the main issue - after all that we have been through - together and apart - we are not sure if we are emotionally ready, psychologically ready, prepared in parenting skills at a satisfactory level or ready to give up the lives FINALLY have aquired, after so many years of ups and downs, achieved. We have always wanted just the two of us, no drugs, no debts, no health problems, financially secure, and free to fly out to the Maldives tomorrow if we wish. I think we spent so much time screwing up and struggling that now our time has come to relax and indulge ourselves, my biological clock is starting to tick quite loudly. 33 isn't too bad, but it?s going to take at least another 12 months - 24 months to save for the remainder of our new home the investment property and a "buffer" as he calls it (because he works in the film industry which is GREAT money or no money week to week. By that time I'll be 34 - then add 12 months to fall pregnant because I?ve taken Depo-Provera for many years - my cycle won't exactly be normal for a while.

I have written in detail because I would really appreciate some honest opinions from people that don?t know me and have no preconceived ideas about what I?m ?like? (or labelled you could say) I?d also like to talk to mums that took the plunge even though they weren't sure if they were ready or not to have a kid (but please be honest about it. I know friends that say they are glad they had kids but I know sometimes they are not) I also would like to hear from non-mums that thinking the same way as me and are too scared/insecure/ or just plain paranoid/maybe even just too selfish to lose their social life and freedom (which is what I freely admit to.)

What I basically want to know is do ALL parents say 'THIS IS THE BEST THING I COULD HAVE DONE, EVEN IF THEY WERE FEELING UNSURE AS I AM. OR Please tell me the real deal - you are anonymous - was anyone in my shoes when they decided to have kids and REALLY DO miss their carefree, relaxed, spur of the moment, dress up and party aspects of their old lives?

One more thing - if I feel strongly about losing my freedom and "young fun" now, do those vanish when you little precious baby comes along?

Thank you sooo much for reading this far - I'm quite astonished anyone has gotten to this point at all - but thanks, and please reply if you could understand my emotional dumping - the wheelie bin will be quite full tonight after that spiel.
Take Care, Smile and Thank You a Great Deal!


 Post subject: RE:
PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 10:07 am 

Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2004 7:50 am
Posts: 15
Location: Virginia
TO begin, I respect your honesty, Im 32 and 2 months pregnate, I was only 18 when I had my first child and 22 with my second, Having a child requires many life altering decisions and if you and your spouse are not ready to make those sacrafices I would vote against having a baby right now, It's a 2 way street when raising a child who requires alot of attention and homestly it sounds to me like you may be wanting a child a little more then your spouse right now, it sounds like he is wanting to persue his movie career, which is respectable, but until you both get on the same page it will be hard to work out, One of two things could happen, If you get pregnate he could easily change his mind and alter his plans or he could hold a resentment and wind up hurting both you and the baby emotionally in the long run, Having a baby is a very hard decision, and sometimes it happens before we as the parents have time to plan anything out, we all have plans as little girls about how we want our life to be when we have a baby, it just dont always happen that way, I know I was one of those people, also you mentioned things in your past wondering how it would effect yall raising your child, "if" he has been clean for 3 years you should be ok, but anytime you put needles in your arm and inject.. thats not a good thing, If he or you was a regular user Id be more worried about the damage it may have done to you both before the clean stage, You seem to have cleaned yourself up well and have a good head on your shoulders now, I think you are well capable of making this decision on your own at 32.. whatever you choose just know you have a panel of people on this board to talk to and will stand behind you in your decision, I think your past and it's just my opinion because nobody is perfect by no means and I've never been one to judge anyone, But its my opinion that it will make you stronger in raising your children, You know what you went through while using, You know to guard and educate your own children against it.. I wish you the best of luck... Kim

 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 6:49 pm 

Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2005 7:35 pm
Posts: 13
Location: Someplace in KS
Hi there! First off, I want to let you know that I think you are a very STRONG woman! It must have been really rough to go through all that you went through. I can't really relate to your incredible story, but I can tell you this: I am only 20 and i have made mistakes in my past. The best advice i can give you is to let the past be the past and do whatever you feel is right for you know. if you feel that having a baby is what will make you and your partner happy, and you can provide for that baby and give it everything it needs emotionally and financially, then i say go for it. Otherwise, I would wait. But I'm sure you will make a good decision. Good Luck.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 11:15 pm 

Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:30 pm
Posts: 599
Location: Toronto
wow, your story really touched me! Although I'm not yet 20, I can understand, as a human being, the confusion and questions you have about your life and what path you should be taking. I myself was really into cocaine (among other things, drug-related and not) a few years back, and although I never went to jail or anything like that, I was pretty close to being put into the hospital from all the drugs before I got pregnant. Heck if I didn't get pregnant (it was a "surprise") who knows what kind of hell I'd be living...Anyway Hannah is the single most wonderfull thing that has ever happened in my life. Do I sometimes still want to party all night, sure I'm am after all 19, but like you said there is a time when you move on and grow out of that. When you discover much more fufilling and rewarding joys in life. I am much more happy and content with myself and my life now, I have a purpose, my daughter is my world (I am BTW a single mom) To tell you the truth, since having my daughter, the thing I want more than anything in the world is to find a good man, a good home, have children, and just simply live life and enjoy the little precious moments that have a tendancy to pop out of nowhere. Nothing gives me greater joy and happiness than my daughter.

As to your question; will what you both have gone through help or hinder in raising a child, I think there is a simple awnser to that: Lots of people have a rough way in life, lots have an easy one, Drugs and abuse change you, sure you and I both know that, but what it all boils down to is: either you are a good person or you're not. I really don't think that my doing drugs and going through alot of tough times has really affected me in regards to raising my daughter. My beliefs, morals, and values are the same as they ever were. It might have made me more "grown up" and experienced in the way of life so if it has had any effect it might have been for the better, I'm mabey more aware now, mabey not so naieve?

You're questions are hard ones to awnser...as I read, and re-read your post I find it harder and harder to know what to say. LOL! Having a child isn't all about giving up your life and everything you've worked for. It is so beautifully enriching, and completely indescribable! Hmm it sonds like you need to work some more things out before you can be sure wether or not to have a child...

Sorry haha! I really am trying to be of help to you, but your post is so complicated! :wink:

Please feel free to e-mail me Thayet32 @ Yahoo .com

You sound like a good person and if I never hear from you again I really wish you all the best in life and I hope you find the fufillment you are searching for!

 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:36 pm 

Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2005 3:34 pm
Posts: 3
Location: Midwest
Hello Trice,

First of all, you are to be congratulated for attempting to think about these kind of things. You have gone through a rough journey with your significant other, you both seem poised to claim the next, mature stage of your life together and, logically, you wonder about raising a family together.

My best advice for you, as a person who you don't know and who doesn't know you, is to keep wondering. There's no need to scramble and get pregnant and soon as you're off the Depo-Provera chemicals. I don't really want to get into the debate about how late is too late to bear children, but I can attest that my youngest sister came into the world when my mother was in her late 30's. If my mother suffered from this, I couldn't tell because too busy taking care of her new baby girl and the rest of us. Anyway, the only people who can best judge when they are ready to be parents in this case are you and your partner. Talk about it often with each other, or spend weeks or even months focused on more immediate things -- your home and health and the strengthening of your life together. Then after you're satisfied that those aspects of your life have received enough attention for the time being, talk about parenting again. Don't be afraid to discuss your fears and questions with your friends who have kids. If any of them tell you they had no doubts, they're lying. Seek out the advice of people who are honest and confident enough to admit that, despite the preciousness of their children, they had a hard time stomaching the responsibilities of parenting. I am currently in my second month, first pregnancy, and I am 28. This would not have occurred if my husband and I had not spent years, and I'm talking even before the real possibility of marriage came up, talking about our feelings on parenting in general as well as our own childhood experiences and impressions of our parents.

If you don't mind my suggesting, also, that you may want to consider some (not regular, necessarily) counseling. It's a matter of personal taste, of course, but given you and your partner's separate histories of abuse or neglect as well as your shared issues with drug addiction, a professional third-party opinion could help shed some light not on when you will be ready, but on the concepts that would be helpful to think about as you and your partner discuss being ready.

Long answer for a long question, right? Good luck to you in whatever choice you and your partner make.


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