Posted by Amy K on September 02, 2003 at 13:26:37:
In Reply to: Hi Amy, posted by Mels on September 02, 2003 at 09:26:33:
Hi, Mel,
Thanks for sharing your story with us. There's definitely a good lesson there for teens who are having sex and thinking they're absolutely 100% protected on the Pill!
It's sad that you didn't feel you had any other options when you had your abortion. Actually, wouldn't you say that you did have other options, but you weren't willing to take them, for whatever reason? Yes, it would have been hard to explain to your six-year old why you were giving the baby up for adoption, but would it have been impossible? Couldn't you have said, "Joey, I'm going to have a baby, but we just don't have the money and resources right now to take the very best care of her. After I have the baby at the hospital, she is going to go live with a good family who will love her and take good care of her. We will miss the baby, but we have to do what is best for her." Of course, you would have needed to make sure that Joey understood that you and he were going to stick together no matter what.
As far as the resources needed for the pregnancy itself, crisis pregnancy centers can provide all kinds of material, financial, medical, and legal assistance both during and after pregnancy--that is their sole reason for existence. And, of course, adoptive parents are usually very happy to pick up any pregnancy expenses, as well.
Yes, it would have been very, very difficult for you to give her up after you had carried her for nine months. I can't even imagine. Would it have been impossible, though, knowing that you were doing the best and most loving thing for her?
As far as the child wanting to know his or her birthparents later on in life, open and semi-open adoption plans make that possible. And, as you said, adoptive parents are very well-screened and can be hand-picked by the birthparents.
You said that you are an adult and that when you are in love, you have sex. That may indeed be a fact. But it is also a fact that the price of your sexual enjoyment (with a man who abandoned you) was the life of an innocent child. Again, I am not trying to beat you up over this, or trying to be overly harsh, but those are just the facts of the matter. Please know that I don't say this glibly or without compassion. I know what it is to suffer from the guilt of past sin, and it's because I wouldn't wish that suffering on anyone else that I encourage women to choose life.
To me, it just doesn't make sense to say I'm pro-choice, but not pro-abortion. That would be like saying, "Well, I think robbing banks is really harmful and dangerous and wrong, and I would never rob a bank, but I wouldn't want to take that choice away from someone else. Everyone should be able to choose for themselves whether or not to rob a bank, and so we shouldn't make it illegal." You may say, that's not a fair analogy--having an abortion is not like robbing a bank! You're right--it's worse. It's the taking of a human life.
There are some people who claim to be pro-choice, but who show by their actions that they are truly pro-abortion. Pro-choice people who oppose informed consent laws come to mind. If they are truly pro-choice, wouldn't they WANT abortion-minded women to have all the facts? There is a bill being proposed right now that would give grants to pregnancy centers for ultrasound machines, so that women can see their baby before making the choice to abort. Guess who is opposing the bill? "Pro-choice" NARAL and Planned Parenthood.
If you need to talk to someone about your abortion, I really encourage you to visit www.healinghearts.org (link at the bottom of this page). You can receive email counseling for free, and all of the counselors have had abortions themselves.
I hope that you continue to mend after your recent ordeal, and that the doctors will have wisdom to know how to best help you. It's very brave of you to consider having another baby after what you went through! This is kind of off-topic, but you mentioned how you really wanted to give birth on all fours. I've read that women tear much less when they are allowed to birth this way, or on their sides. I think the lying-on-your-back, feet-in-stirrups position is mostly for the convenience of the doctors. You were more than charitable in your attitude towards your doctor and I commend you for it...I don't know that I could have been that understanding!
Take care,
Amy
: Just wanted to let you know I didn't think it was harsh that you said if I didn't have sex, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant. That's obviously true. I don't feel like a victim for having gotten pregnant or anything--it was my choice to have sex. I have however found that most birth control just doesn't work for me. Even the mini-pill didn't work. I was religious about taking it every day at exactly the same time of day. Once I went into work half an hour early and in the car on the way there I realized it was 8:00 on the dot and I took the pill right there in my car, LOL.
: But of course we're talking a 17-year time span here. I suppose I could have abstained for 9 years until I met my first husband and an additional six years until I met my second husband. But let's face facts. I'm an adult and when I'm truly in love, I have sex. I was pregnant 3 years ago (miscarried); we were engaged (informally--I didn't have a ring yet, but he was pretty serious about it). Again, maybe that's no excuse to do the nasty.
: I'm not sure why I put in that I get pregnant easily, except that the way I was talking about this, that and the other pregnancy, it sounded like I was a right slut. I am truly not--and I don't take pregnancy lightly. Some women spend years, dollars and a lot of tears trying to get pregnant. I feel guilty and awful that it's so easy for someone like me. So I hope you don't think I take pregnancy or babies lightly. Trust me, if I had my way and this were a perfect world, I'd have had every one of my babies. I love my children so much. I've "talked" to my aborted baby many times and I've dreamt about her (funny feelng it was a girl) many times. I wanted her. But I was barely supporting and feeding Joey as it was, and I had just been "dumped" for a prettier woman. I didn't know how to carry a baby to term when I had a 6-year-old in the house. He was certainly old enough to know what pregnancy was--he went to a daycare where many of the mommies showed up pregnant. He had asked the questions already and I had told him. I didn't know what to do.
: In my opinion, the worst risks of abortion aren't physical. They're emotional. To be quite honest with you, if I had suffered physical repercussions from the abortion, I would have felt that it was a risk I took and something negative I did, and therefore, there would be nobody to blame but me. But I didn't feel like I had any other options.
: So I always feel for girls who come on here and ask about abortion. I don't want to offend anybody by saying I'm pro-choice but I just don't feel qualfied to tell any other woman (or her boyfriend/husband) what to do about it. Having a baby is huge (as you know!). It's a whole little life. I know life isn't always fair. If it were fair, someone like me, who gets pregnant every time I share a toothbrush, would have been stricken infertile in retribution. That didn't happen. So it's obvious that life isn't fair. And when life isn't fair to the next person, I just never feel I can tell them, "Don't abort...that's killng a child..." I felt that way even before my abortion, even when my "choice" (I know it wasn't mine to make, but you know what I mean) was to keep my baby. That's the thing about pro-choice. Many people think "pro-choice" means "pro-aborton". It doesn't. As you can see, my original choice was to keep my baby. He's 17 now and bigger than I am! Scary! And we've been through a lot.
: Anyway, sorry to ramble. I guess I just wanted to explain myself better. You're right that the baby doesn't have a choice. But then again, with adoption, he doesn't have a choice either. He ends up with whomever other people have decided he should end up with. If his choice would have been to know either or both of his parents, that's been taken away from him too. But you're right--a life-or-death choice is much more serious. And I know adoptive parents are typically very carefully screened. I don't know what the answer is--but I do know it's a hard decision and once you become pregnant, you'll never be the same, one way or another.
: Love,
: Mel
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