Posted by Mels on September 02, 2003 at 14:30:22:
In Reply to: Re: Hi Amy, posted by Amy K on September 02, 2003 at 13:26:37:
Hey there,
I'm hyper-posting today, sorry! Some days I just do that...
I considered what you said about what to tell Joey...that we just couldn't give the new baby a good enough home and really take care of her. But this brought a few things to mind. First of all, Joey has always been sharp as a tack and a little on the cynical side (my poor boy, I always wish he could just enjoy himself--I blame that on me & my genetics--I'm the same way). No matter how many times I reassured him that *he* wouldn't be given up, he never would have believed it. And I was having enough problems with Joey as it was. He was in & out of therapy...he always felt "different" (no father, etc.) and was very defensive, fought all the time, etc., etc. His self-esteem could fit on the head of a pin. I bought a million books, asked the advice of a hundred different people, moms, pediatricians, etc., but nothing helped Joey feel better about Joey. I could not imagine dealing not only w/daily phone calls from the school and working full-time and being exhausted and taking great pains with Joey, but also being pregnant at the same time. AND then dealing with him being even more unsettled b/c there was another baby but this one was going away. And even if he did end up believing he himself would not be sent away--well, I know my Joey. He would have internalized everything & wondered why he got lucky but the baby didn't...and his guilt would have blown his head. And on the other hand, then he would wonder, How come the baby gets to go to a BETTER family, with a daddy, while we have no daddy here and we're poor and....and...and....You get the picture. :)
So I did consider that but I thought Joey was on such a thin thread to begin with, I thought this might just push him over the edge. Then I'd have one insane child, one child missing and still be supporting him & working full-time, AGHHHHHHHHH....
So that's the story there...
As far as pro choice but not "pro abortion," I explained that badly. What I meant was that pro-choice doesn't necessarily mean "go have an abortion unless your circumstances are 100% great..." Choice means choice...it doesn't mean I think abortion is great or even good, or that that would always be the choice. It means having the resource either to have a baby or not have a baby.
The bank-robbing analogy...that is a tough one. I'm going to say something now that might upset or anger some people but just as Christianity is your belief, this is my belief.
I believe in reincarnation. I always have, ever since I was very young. Since before Joey, before the abortion...since I was pretty small. I used to keep that to myself b/c I thought people might think I was nuts. And some people might still think that. But I don't think they're nuts for believing a woman got pregnant from God without any semen involved and that her son died but then came back to life again...so I don't know that my beliefs sound so crazy in light of all that. So anyway, I believe that we create little bodies for souls to go into. Our babies aren't really "ours"...they're a privilege. They're not little extensions of us. They're their own souls. They do inherit things from us through genetics and some of that is personality b/c some of personality has a physical and chemical basis. But they have their own souls and they choose us as their parents. I don't think these souls go into a body that is never going to be. I think we have that experience for a reason. Again...I know that's going to upset a lot of people. I'm sorry. I don't want to upset anyone. But those are my beliefs just as Christians have their beliefs and Moslems have theirs, etc., etc.
I know Joey chose me and I know Colin chose me. And I know my little girl, if she wants to be born, will choose me again. It doesn't make abortion "right"...I still agonize over it. But I don't think I played god by having an aboriton because NOBODY can kill a soul. Certainly not little old flawed sinful me! Nobody at all. If a baby wants to be born...it will be.
Whew! Sorry for the diatribe. Anyhoo, like I said, that's not all a justificaiton for any past wrongdoings I've commited. I didn't start beliving this after I got pregnant, I already believed it. That's also why I don't think I was a "victim" getting pregnant. As you said, sex was my choice. Nobody forced me. And if I were a perfect person, I would never have had sex outside of marriage, but I am not a perfect person. I have been responsible from anything that happened as an extension of having sex with one person or another. I take my responsibilities pretty seriously.
All that said...YES, I do still wish I had had that baby. :) But I also see how it would have been impossible for me. I'm not trying to convince you, b/c your beliefs and mine are different. I can't say mine are right. Just that they "are".
So anyway, I hope you and your DH get that little baby you want! I am sure you will make a great parent. I'll tell you what, between you & me, being an older parent is so much healthier than being a younger one. I really know what I want now, so I'm not "interfering" with Colin just being who he is. I feel like I really pushed Joey to excel but now I see it's up to the child to go at his own pace.
And: Giving birth on all fours: When your time comes, do what you feel is right! Either go on all fours or squat up w/a bar or whatever feels best. I am so glad that many hospitals listen to moms now when we tell them what feels good or bad during labor.
Love,
Mel
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