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Child Care



By Elizabeth Pantley Author of Kid Cooperation, Perfect Parenting and Hidden Messages

Winter's first snow promised more than a change in the weather: it heralded the fast approach of the holidays-and the annual gift-shopping ritual. Ken and Shelley decided that today was as good as any to hit the shopping mall and get the deed done. Shelley stuck her head in the family room and called to their kids, "Okay, Nathan and Anna-time to go!"

As the four of them headed out to the car, Nathan was chattering about his friend's dad's new van. "Man, you should see it! The seats swivel, and there's even built in headphones in the back seat for the radio!"

"Sounds nice," said Ken, squeezing in behind the wheel.

"So, Dad," Nathan continued, "Why can't we have a neat van like that?"

"We'd love to," Shelley responded, "But those vans are really expensive, and it's not something we can afford."

"We could always trade in a kid," Ken joked. Like most of his jokes, this one elicited a groan from the backseat.

In the front seat, Shelley was too busy to notice. She was reviewing their list of gift recipients, allotting price quotas for each. After a quick calculation, she told Ken to stop by the bank. The kids watched as the ATM spat cash out of the slot as easily as Ken had put his card in. Nathan's voice popped up from the back seat. "Hey Dad! Why don't you just get more money from the machine and stop at the van dealership, too!" This time, it was the front seat occupants who groaned.

The first stop was to MegaToy City, an enormously sprawling warehouse of material diversions-where even the carts were mega-sized, presumably to encourage mega purchases. Nathan and Anna, as always, were awed and wooed by the colorful and exciting displays. One in particular provoked Anna to put her hand over her heart dramatically and sigh-a gesture Shelley recognized as her own. "Mom! Dad!" she breathed, "Here's the new Super City Electric Train Set that I saw on TV! And it's on sale! Can I get one, please?"

"Anna, we're supposed to be gift shopping today," her mother reasoned. "Stuff for other people, not ourselves."

"Oh, but Mom," Anna moaned, "There's only three left on the shelf! We might never be able to get one!"

"No, honey," Mom answered, "We're not buying it today."

But Anna remained rooted to the spot, nearly drooling at the glistening train set and taking inventory of the realistic city parts and pieces. "Mom. Pleeeeze? I won't ask for anything else for a whole year! I promise."

"Anna!" Ken's voice was firm, "You heard your mother. The answer is no. We have a lot to do today, so let's get busy." Anna's whole body drooped and seemed to be but an appendage of the lower lip she ceremoniously extended from her stormy face.

She followed her lip down another aisle, where Nathan's turn for pleading came next. "But I've always wanted an Alien Mask with Adjustable Voice Changer!" Predictably, the previous scene repeated itself, and soon Nathan also wore The Lip.

Doing their best to ignore it all, Ken and Shelley continued agonizing over gift choices for cousins and friends. After a few more pouts from both children over various New, Improved, and Wonderful toys (Batteries Not Included), Dad finally relented and let each of them choose a new video from a wall that extended the entire width of the store.

The videos, however, didn't stop the whining that escalated with each new aisle they perused. The toy store became more and more of a punishment to the parents. Their cart was full of gifts, their limits for both cash outflow and patience reached. List or no list, Ken, Shelley and The Lips got in line for the cashier.

Once their packages were paid for and the trunk loaded, Shelley suggested a lunch break. They stopped at the first fast food restaurant they spied. They brought their order to the table, and faster than the parents could sort the little paper-wrapped parcels, Nathan reached across the table; splash! went his orange pop over his french fries…which then fell with a sodden plop to the floor. Neither Shelley nor Ken had the energy to complain. Luckily, a nearby restaurant employee graciously mopped up the mess and replaced the meal, gratis. Soon, the rest of the family was nearly finished. "I'm still hungry," Nathan announced, as if the world owed him a tummy-full of french fries but fell woefully short. "Well?" he added, annoyed that his thickheaded parents didn't get it. "Can I have some more fries?" With a second large bag of fries in hand, Nathan followed his family back into the car and out into the furiously shopping world.

After a long afternoon, and a fair amount of the list crossed off, Shelley wearily decreed that shopping be done for the day. "I second the motion!" Ken answered, his voice dripping with relief.

He unloaded the car, she wandered into the kitchen for dinner ideas, only to stare, bleary-eyed, at the inside the refrigerator. "I'm too tired to cook," she said, "Why don't we just order pizza tonight?" She didn't need to ask the kids that question twice; Nathan brought her the telephone before the sentence had fully emerged.

As they waited for the pizza, Shelley and Ken sorted the day's purchases, and the kids ran off to play. A few minutes later, Anna came rushing into the room crying. "I lost Manny Monkey!"

"I'm sure it's around here somewhere," answered Ken.

"No, Daddy!" she wailed. "I took it with me when we went shopping. We HAVE to go back and find it-it was my favorite! And it's a limited first edition retired premium one! It's worth, like…a million dollars!"

"You have tons of those little bean bag animals, honey. Next time don't bring toys along to the mall."

Anna tears flooded her face. "Then you HAVE to get me another one!"

"Anna!" interrupted her mother. "We can't just run out and replace everything you lose. Money doesn't grow on trees, you know!"

The Hidden Message

"Money may not grow on trees, but it spits right out of the ATM machine. There's an endless supply available for shopping, fast-food lunches, pizza for dinner, and a million of whatever constitutes the latest fad."

Think About It

We are always teaching our children-even if we don't realize a lesson is in progress. Every minute, every day we spend in our children's company is a demonstration of what we believe, and children learn well by example. This is particularly true in the arena of family finances. As we go about our days, we don't realize that our children are forming concepts about money based on what they see and hear. From a child's viewpoint, things they need and want materialize out of nowhere. They have no opportunity to connect our purchases with the jobs we work, the taxes we pay, the mortgages and bills that worry our minds in quiet moments.

We pass up opportunities to teach our kids about money when we answer their requests for material goods by saying, "We can't afford it," or "We're not buying it today," without explaining the reasons behind our decisions. When we usher them off to a table at the fast food restaurant, they don't see money changing hands and have no concept of the meal's cost. And value being relative, can small children understand the difference between 20 cents and $20 without our putting it into perspective for them? To many kids, a shiny piece of copper is more appealing than a wrinkly green crumple of paper.

Money, value, cost, and the daily decisions we must make about all three: They're a mystery to our kids, one they will not solve easily on their own. In the interest of forming healthy, productive ideas about material things, what they can and cannot do for us, and how we go about attaining them, it behooves us to reveal the realities to our kids in simple ways on a daily basis.

Changes You Can Make

There are many ways to teach children about money. Begin with a simple thought: "I need to teach my kids about money, and I'll find opportunities every day to do it." Once you start, you'll be amazed at how many opportunities will appear!

When you're paying for a product or service, take a minute to tell your child how much you are paying. To make the amount more realistic, put it in terms of your child's allowance or a favorite toy. For example, "Our lunch today cost $20- CDthat's about the same as four months of your allowance." Or, "The groceries I'm buying cost $100. That's the same as we paid for your bike." Can you see that your child may suddenly be more thoughtful when he asks for that second bag of fries? Imagine his shock when you explain that the new hot water tank you had to put in cost the equivalent of 100 months of his allowance! Suddenly these things don't just "materialize" any more; they begin to have an understandable value in your child's mind.

When your daughter is making her holiday wish list and asks for that deluxe new doll set with hand-sewn clothes and period furniture, resist the urge to say, "We can't afford it." This only implies that if you had $600 lying around, you'd be delighted to buy one for her! Instead, pull out a catalog and show her that you could purchase holiday gifts for your entire extended family for that same amount of money.

When you've emptied your pockets or purse of change, don't just toss the change in a drawer. This gives your child the message that a little bit of money isn't of value. Instead, save it in a jar and use it to take the family to the movies, showing that even small amounts of money can add up over time.

When your child makes a request for an item that you'd typically buy for him, make him think more about cost and value by giving him a choice. "Sure, I could rent that movie, like I do every week for you. Or, you could skip a movie this weekend and I could give you the three dollars towards that CD you're saving for." "We could stop for an ice cream cone and eat just one today, or we could get supplies at the grocery store and have enough for three ice cream cones each." Suddenly, your kids may be a little more aware of the value of those many little things you purchase.

It's also important to teach our children the joy of giving from a young age. If they see their own family purchasing all the things that they need and want, but never see money going towards helping others less fortunate they may assume that charity has no place in their lives. Simple lessons, such as letting a child put coins in a collection jar or including a few gifts on your shopping trip for your church or school's holiday toy collection for needy children can give an important message to your children. Doing these things during the holiday season also helps your children understand that holidays are not just for making Wish Lists and gathering presents, but for sharing and caring about other human beings.

Give your children an allowance designated for specific purposes by giving them guidelines and restrictions. (For example, you may decide that allowances cannot be spent on candy or toys that you deem inappropriate.) Help the kids create a budget, but then let your children learn how to make money decisions. They will make some poor financial decisions, but over time those mistakes will lead to successes. For example, if your child chooses to spend his entire allowance on a new CD, then remembers that school tee shirts are available for purchase, resist the urge to just throw money at him. Instead, seize the opportunity to teach a lesson: "Well, sometimes we choose to spend our money on one thing- like your CD- which means there isn't any for something else we'd like: the tee shirt. Those are money decisions we have to make."

If your child has a desire for something special- a new bike, roller blades, a guitar- don't whine about his always wanting something. Don't run out and buy it for him. Instead, sit down with him and discuss the prospect of this new treasure. Validate his wish for new things; it's normal and acceptable to want something special now and then. Tell him how much you will be willing to chip in (one half, one third) and help him formulate a plan to earn the rest. He'll learn some of the valuable lessons we so need to teach: how to make a wise buying decision, how to save, how to want some material things without 'want' consuming one's soul, how to choose which of those 'wants' to pursue and how to let the rest go. And after the purchase, because he's been so personally involved, he'll likely treat the item with respect.

All of these ideas will help your children learn the real value of money and give them a foundation for a stronger financial future.

Excerpted from Hidden Messages - What Our Words and Actions are Really Telling Our Children, by Elizabeth Pantley.

Copyright 1999 by Elizabeth Pantley (http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth)

Reproduced with permission by NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group, Inc.

Books by Elizabeth Pantley

* Kid Cooperation : How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading and Get Kids to Cooperate

Would you like to know how to get your children to willingly cooperate? Would you like to eliminate many of your daily battles and end the yelling, nagging, and pleading? Would you like to handle discipline issues with knowledge and authority? During this process, would you like to learn how to boost your children's self-esteem, feel better about yourself as a person, and even improve your marriage?

* Perfect Parenting : The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips

In my years of raising eight children and advising parents through my pediatric practice and through twenty-three parenting books, I have learned as much as I have given. I have discovered one parenting dilemma that arises repeatedly. This dilemma is the arduous process of deciding on the right course of action when confronted with a discipline or behavior issue.

* Hidden Messages : What Our Words and Actions Are Really Telling Our Children

In Hidden Messages, parent and educator Elizabeth Pantley shares stories drawn from hundreds of parents that demonstrate how they unknowingly send their kids negative messages through their words and actions. After each story she provides a gentle lesson by showing the child's perspective on the same scenario and offers suggestions for specific changes parents can make to improve the hidden messages behind theirwords and deeds.

* Baby Place Bookstore

For more about raising children, come visit our bookstore. Feel free to browse!

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