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Re: unhappily married with children

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Posted by Sue on June 24, 2003 at 10:06:01:

In Reply to: unhappily married with children posted by Denise on June 24, 2003 at 01:15:40:

: I probably should be posting on a marital problem message board but am hoping some of you may be able to give me a little strength.

: My husband has always been very anxious and a worry wort about finances to the point where he gets very angry with me if I buy my 2 year old daughter and 4 year old son a toy including buying things that they really need like pajamas and clothing. Even if he recieves something in the mail without even first finding out if there is a problem with it, he will raise his tone of voice and the worst part is he does not seem to care if my children are around. I have asked him to please wait until they go to bed to discuss our problems and just keeps going.

: When my first child was 8 months old, we went to counseling for a year which of course did not help. I have also tried to get him involved in church which also did not help. Him and I seem to clash. I consider myself a very calm, mello, patient, and loving person. Every person who knows me compliments me on my parenting skills and say that I seem like such a kind and loving mother. My kids seem to take after the sweetness and calmness too especially because I am with them all day. I have an at-home job as an interpreter part-time. Sometimes he has thrown in my face that if I want to spend that I should work more but have explained that I already feel overworked taking care of my kids all day.

: My parents love him because I don't tell them my problems because if for some reason we would have worked things out, I don't want them to have any bad feelings toward him. I am at that point where I feel like I should end this marriage. I am not sure if being together will affect my kids more or being apart. I feel sad and just want to do the right thing. I have told him many times that I want to end this marriage because he doesn't change and always cries and convinces me not to. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am also worried that if I end this marriage my kids will later throw it in my face that I took them away from their father. It seems like he is only nice and loving when he wants me to be intimate with him. I have explained all of my feelings to him for many years and says he will change when I threaten that I am leaving.
: I apologize for this being so long, but any advice, negative or positive, would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much.

Hi Denise. I'm sorry you’re having such a tough time. My parents divorced when I was 8. My father was verbally abusive and violent. Mom kept telling him that he needed to change or she was getting a divorce. She wasn't bluffing. She had enough one day and put his stuff out on the street and changed the locks. My brother and I were actually relieved that he was gone. We were scared of him. Our house was full of yelling and tears and it was such a sad place. I know it was the hardest thing my Mother ever had to do. Now she had two kids to take care of by herself. But it had to be done. After that our Father never came around, never gave my Mom any money. We almost lost our house, sometimes we didn't have food. But we were all better off with out him. A few years later my Mom met my step-dad. He is the most wonderful man in the world. He loved us, disciplined us, took care of us when we were sick, taught me to drive. He is the only father I really know and we are blessed to have him in our lives.

And I wanted to mention, you had said that you didn't want your kids throwing it back in your face if you divorced him. The day my Mom threw our father out, she sat us both down and told us what she was doing. She also said very sternly that she never wanted the fact that we were children of divorce to be an excuse in our lives. That this wasn't a reason to act up, or be bad at school, etc. And through my life it never has been. My failures are my own and no one else’s fault.

You have to do what's best for yourself and your kids whether you stay or leave. What is your heart and your gut telling you? I live by this simple rule: life is too short to not be happy.

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